Morgan Stone is a Hollywood producer, and he doesn't really give a shit about your stupid art cause he has things to shoot and hookers to bang.

I wear my sunglasses whenever the fuck I want, know why? Cause I’m a big deal. There might be an avalanche at any second, and my eyes will not be blinded because of that. If something happened to my eyes, since I’m a big deal, there would be a big problem. I wouldn’t be able to see talent anymore. My eyes are experts at detecting talent and genius, and that’s why I’m a big time producer. You’ve seen my shows on TV, trust me. If you have a pulse. No pun intended. Speaking of pulse, my finger is on it. I am between shoots, and I owe Art Jeanyus several million dollars for his spot-on advice about stocks. He said to pay off the interest I could write a column for his publication. My thoughts are that important. My eyes are that good.

For my column, I will, while wearing sunglasses, type in “Portland artist” into Bing (because I am a Microsoft stockholder, aka, big time) and let you know the results. I don’t expect to see much, I mean, what is Portland? A city or a small town? Is it on a map, could you show me? Wow. Thank you Bing. There is totally a map.

1. Tom Repasky (portlandoregonartist.com)
   Good luck with the job search, Tom. Really, and I mean the best of luck.
2. Anne John (annejohn.com)
   Bird painting meets penis painting, and done very skillfully. Hey, Anne, obviously you could use a little more penis with your bird, if you know what I mean, and I wish I could help with that but unfortunately I am married to my career.
3. Jenna Schneider (jennamakeupartist.com)
   She’s a make-up artist. In other words, I have probably banged her, and if she had any talent, I would remember her, which I don’t.
4. Jessica Belknap (jessicabelknap.com)
   Another make-up artist, you can see why I’ve banged so many. The competition is heavy, being a producer… You get what I’m saying. Jessica, sorry don’t remember you either. Which direction is Portland, anyways? I had no idea it was so heavy with make-up artists. Man, I could be getting laid right now in Portland, what’s the ratio of TV producer to make-up artist in Portland anyways?
5. Laura Russo Gallery (laurarusso.com)
   I wanna sex you up, tick tock, ya don’t stop. This is a gallery, not an artist. Foiled again.

So far the first five people I can find on Bing under “portland artist”, contain two artists, two make-up artists (aka skeeze), and a gallery. Hmm.

Anne John is the winner on all counts. Whatever the Laura Russo Gallery is displaying on my screen right now, well, it’s making me want to go down there just to spit on the damn thing. Horrible. Who the hell is Jack Portland? Is that like your version of Hollywood Hogan? The Ultimate Warrior paints with knives, by the way. That’s your last hint, my show, it stars a wrestler. You’ve totally seen it. I’ll tell you next time.

Tan Peluski digs deep into the underbelly of Portland's Art Scene to bring you the latest dirt as often as his doctor allows.

Man About Town, Tan Peluskie here. Seriously sobriety is hurtign me more and more each day. My liver screams into my gentiles and then I was taken from my paint with a moderate sigh of relief. Not relief from pain though as I  immediately came across some images that not only caused me pain, oh seriously and they were not of my ex wife but one does look like one of them after a night of drinking.

Folks I’m a serious the colors, the shapes, they put me in disaray. I’ve been confused and sickened for days. Where is my copy of Catcher in the Rye I feel the assasination of my liver coming on. These images have burned there uninteresting for and use of creativity into my eye sockets, no the backs of my eye sockets, seriosuly no my liver can see them. I thought at first is this some government conspiracy? Did the government secretly plant a CIA agaent into portland that is sending us messages of rebelious distaste and desire for that which is not good at all….. Oh my god, it’s true! Seriously I am still hurting, Oh my Hemroid just ruptured or was it my spleen, no I cannot sit down my hemroids are fine. Folks what are we to do. In this case much like any case having to do with my ex wives I must intertwine my article with another and end this with ” The Top Ten Things not do in Portland”

10. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork

9. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork

8. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork

7. Ever ever think of purchasing Cathie Joy Youngs artwork

6. Ever ever think of telling someone else to purchase Cathie Joy youngs artwork

5. Walk buy or near the Guardino Gallery until February 23rd. Why you ask? Seriously!

4. Stay away from the Guardino Gallery people Cathie Joy Young has painting there

3. No don not go to the Guardino Gallery for Cathie’s show even if there is free booze

2. Drink free booze somewhere far awat from a Cathie Joy Young painting

1. Speak of Cathie Joy Youngs paintings….

Seriously folks they will burn hole into the deepest caverns of your rectum and make you feel less of a painter after you’ve recovered fro mthe blinding atrocity of their mirad existance……

You welcome for being your savior, sincerely

Man About Town ,

Tan Peluski

“Oh my god run for your lives red little ponies are fleeting all around you. You have but little time left in the forest of GONDOR. Let the Elvin Prince take you from this horrific image in a tiny red balloon. No wait not the balloon, oh seriously you’ve just be brought to HELL!!!!!!!!!!”

” Oh I kind of like this one, there’s like a fox and a cat and my ex wife puking on the floor. I’d say that was Charlie Alan Kraft but it is just not fat enough and there are no swaying boobies. “