As the younger twin of the world's most famous birthday party entertainer, Chuck O. Cheese lends us his special insight into the pitfalls of fame and fortune. Now, unfortunately for our dear readers, HE IS DEAD.

Folks, Ladies and hippies… Portland Guys from Eugene to Astoria… Strippers, coffee shop/bar/gallery owners, Richard Spear, Jon Motley and the city of Portland itself.

After a long inner staff war with our current writers (leaving some of them limbless, some of them toothless, and one of them dead on the scene), we are proud to say that our site is back on track. As for the battle, here are some highlights from the rage of bloodshed.

Tan Peluski left early on. Stumbling through a crowd of swinging bats and knives, he took some paperwork, a bottle of Jack and 3 transvestite strippers that Art brought to the staff party as a joke. At this moment, even with all available law enforcement agencies scouring the countryside trying to determine his whereabouts, Tan is still nowhere to be found.

Ten minutes into the fight, the world’s most intelligent man, Art Jeanyus, devised a brilliant plan of escape by tying a group of hippies to a McDonald’s bag, convincing them it was filled with a toxic gas that would kill every bunny in the world. He slipped into the middle of them and made his way through the crowd like a kid in a clothes rack at Kmart. What a man! Two of his roped foes did suffer several knife wounds, but thankfully there was no toxic gas and Art is back on the staff.

Bosom Bunny, our favorite sexy vixen of vivaciousness either left with Tan or left with one of the cops. Either way: go for it guys! Bosom is a special treat! Wink, wink!

Johnson Von Motley was found whispering happy thoughts to Merle the Magnificent after the magician POOFED! his arms away, but thankfully for everyone involved Johnson was OK with that. That guy sure knows how to find the bright side of everything. Motley is back on active duty, and has worked hard to learn how to type with his toes. So have no fear, you won’t miss any good thoughts about everything out there that Portland has to offer… Even crappy art. Oh sorry, Johnson! The great art with stars and flowers bouncing off of it in rainbow colors… Geez, what a load!

In the end, though, as we skip all the stabbing and bats upside heads and legs, Shaggy the Dog and Robert Brian Henry (more commonly referred to as ‘Angry White Guy’) teamed up on our beloved Chuck O. Cheese. In a picturesque type of way, though, I must admit… Robert was screaming about little boys eating popsicles and Shaggy the Dog, well… He was just barking. In what can only be described as an immaculate display of teamwork, Henry and Shaggy delivered a flurry of accurate blows to the fuzzy mouse costumee, and in an ironic twist (considering his stories about little kids’ moms), Chuck O. Cheese “went down”. We thought that would be the end of that, but oh we could not have been more mistaken. Robert Brian Henry approached Cheese from the backside and… Well, pardon my French, but let’s just say our dear mouse was enjoyed in quite an angry way. Simultaneously, Shaggy the Dog ate his head. Not just the costume, the entire thing. Completely. That dog can seriously fucking eat.

So with those two suspended from the staff, Chuck O. Cheese in popsicle boy heaven, and Tan still on the run, we start over this July with the hopes and dreams of bigger, better, and brighter future here at PortlandCityArt.com.

Tan, the Tomorrow Man, if you’re out there, PLEASE COME HOME!!!

Your dearest friend (and drinking buddy),
Hot Shit

As the younger twin of the world's most famous birthday party entertainer, Chuck O. Cheese lends us his special insight into the pitfalls of fame and fortune.

Before we kick this party off, let’s make something clear right from the start. Yeah, you wish you were me. Got it. No need to remind me. You know how I know that? Because my brother rocks packed restaurants full of hot new mom action. He’s also TOTALLY INTO LITTLE BOYS,  which leaves all that fishwrap for me and me alone. What do you think that smell is, it sure as hell ain’t BEN’S PINK. No way, buddy, that’s WET PINK.

I looooooove the stink finger. Speaking of which, I decided that to tie my perspective into the format of this publication, I would become an artist. How fuckin’ hard is that? Hahahaha! Oh, hey, look at me, I make pictures, whoopty-fuckin-doo! Someone please tell me how awesome and important I am or I’ll cry!

Check it out, I made some sweet ass pictures of boys eating popsicles! Coolest fuckin’ part is how each popsicle is a DIFFERENT COLOR! Other awesome part? TOOK ME FIVE MINUTES! Guess what else takes me five minutes? Bangin’ your mom at your sixth birthday party while you were cryin’ about the BIG SCARY MOUSE! Hahahaha! You actually thought we were REAL MICE! What a fuckin’ MORON! Mom had one hell of a hot ass, though, at least until I got done with it!

Boy Eating Popsicle #1-3, by Chuck O. Cheese

By the way, that’s all from the imagination. Lots of you so-called artists out there think you’re gonna be famous and important but don’t have any imagination. You want originality? TOO LATE, I JUST USED THE BEST IDEA LEFT. You know why? ‘Cause I’m fuckin’ famous and better than everyone else. Boys Eating Popsicles?……….. GONE!

Check this out, look over there to the left. See that kid with the purple popsicle drippin’ down his fat little tummy? THAT’S YOU. You’re just some stick figure, wanna-be, wish-you-were-me, nothing little loser. Know why? CAUSE YOU’RE NOT FAMOUS. Know how I can tell? CAUSE YOU CRY FOR YOUR MOMMY. That’s right, I heard you the other night, while I was busy pancakin’ her batter through the service entrance. I imagined you with your sissy little purple popsicle, fat rolls just quivering with delight. I IMAGINED YOU. That means I can do anything I want with you.

One more thing. You wanna be famous? TOO LATE, I JUST IMAGINED YOU CRIPPLED AND DEAD. It is so good to be awesome. Famous, I mean. Well, awesome too. Best thing about it? I can talk to you ANY WAY I WANT. Why? Because you’re not famous. You have nothing on me, Timmy. Get down on your knees and suck a green popsicle, but this time make sure you get it all in your mouth. Little fuckin’ pervert you art. See that, made a joke.

By the way, all three of these amazing portraits are for sale. The price is $10,000,000 because even if you don’t buy my shit I will still be RICH AND FAMOUS.

Fuck you and die,

Chuck O. Cheese
BETTER AND MORE FAMOUS THAN YOU