Tan Peluski digs deep into the underbelly of Portland's Art Scene to bring you the latest dirt as often as his doctor allows.

Dear Tan,

You may know me because I am one of your biggest fans and I am always writing you letters. Not sure why you have never responded or put one of my letters in a column but that’s o.k. I still think you’re the man. Well it’s me Josh again from Ohio and I have another problem I was hoping I could get your advice on. See there is this girl in my math class that is totally hot and I wanna ask her out but I don’t know what to say. What should I do Tan?

Your biggest fan Tan the Man!!!!

Josh

Oh seriously!

Josh, I’ve gotten many of your letters but none have struck my sagging nut sack with such importance as this one. Sure I could have given you tons of advice on puberty, zits, Conan the Barbarian and the Partridge Family but girls is my specialty young man and even in a whiskey bent coma I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shape your little mind into a chick getting sex fiend like myself. Ohhhhhh Seriously all inappropriate but onto the real work my little bald friend.

First: Make sure that before class you lock yourself in the teachers bathroom with the latest 17 magazine and spank that monkey tell it chokes!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Having clean pipes increasing your understanding of the opposite sex…. Lube up! Rub down! Seriously now!

Second: If after a good game of pocket pool over pictures of Mandy Moore has not changed your attraction for this young lass into total disgust then prep your wind pipes and cleanse that breath with Tan’s own personal Breath freshener cocktail mix. Seriously now read this part over and over again or type it on your Ipod touch for proper mixing. Take one cup of Vodka ( the cheap kind ), one cup of malt liquor ( Colt 45 does it every time ), and one table spoon of orange juice. Pour into a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup and mix with two shots of espresso for 20 seconds. Quick now down that smooth shit and oh seriously you’re wasted!!!!! You also totally smell like booze!!!!

Third: Trust the Tan man chicks will dig step two…. Now you’re ready for the personal engagement of conversation. Walk up to that chick and seriously…. Oh really now grab your balls and sing ” Swing Low Sweet Balls of Mine.”

Josh, I hope my advice has helped you realize your own potential at pleasing the opposite sex. Seriously I know if you follow these simple steps no girl in any Ohio Junior Highschool will make it to college a virgin, oh really did I say that? Go out there and Tan some preteen hides Josh Seriously now!!

Sincerely,

Tan

Hippie Jesus has been a raw, macrobiotic vegan since before he was born.

The other day while I was hanging out in my tree house on Hawthorne, I overheard some teenagers having a disgusting conversation. I believe these teenagers identified with what I’ve heard is called the “emo” subculture as they all had extremely feminine haircuts and tight pants. One teenage boy said to his friend, “If you had to go gay, who would you go gay with?” His friend refused to answer so the first teenager elaborated. “I mean if someone forced you. Like you had to give a dude a hummer to survive.”

Finally, the other boy responded. He said, “Well, if I had to give a dude a hummer, I guess I’d pick a guy who looked like a chick. I dunno maybe Russell Brand?”

While, I, the Hippy Jesus have no idea who this Russell Brand person is, but it got me thinking about men loving each other. Men should be able to openly express their love for one another without fear of condemnation and although the conversation detailed above does slightly offend me, I felt the need to come out with my profound and deep love for the Dalai Lama.
That’s right, you homophobes, I am totally gay for His Holiness. When I look at pictures of the Dalai Lama, all I can see is a man who lives at peace with all living things. If you look closely, I mean with if you look with your heart, you will see the gentle green-gold aura of a man who respects all life. His eyes twinkle with wisdom. His hands are soft and passive.
As someone who has refrained from eating flesh for over six incarnations, I see in him the same reverence and purity. Buddhists, as you probably know, abhor all killing and that makes his holiness a perfect human being in my eyes.
To be honest, I didn’t know very much about the Dalai Lama when I started writing this article. All I really knew was told to me by an ex-girlfriend who attended Naropa University and she spoke of him as though he were some kind of living god. However, just now, I looked up the Dalai Lama on wikipedia and discovered that Tibetan Buddhists are not vegan. Frankly, it was a little shocking. Apparently, although their entire philosophy is based around non-violence, they dodge their moral obligation to animals by accepting any and all food that is donated to them, even flesh!
I was going to delete this article entirely, but then I started thinking about it and I realized that my original premise still holds. As the emo kid said, I had to give a man a hummer, I mean if I was tied up and forced, I guess I would perform fellaio His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. Those hands are really soft.

Click on image to read.

Goodfoot Bar in Turmoil!!!

Sources have confirmed that Jason Brown (Goodfoot bar operator, music and art venue coordinator) is set to receive emergency hair removal treatment at Legacy Emanuel Hospital in NE Portland this weekend for an ongoing problem he has had with tremendous uncontrollable facial hair growth.

According to friends and family Jason has been battling with this issue for several years now. Recently he sought treatment in North Korea with Doctor Hoo Long Wie where he was the subject of a new experimental ointment that was supposed to have reduced his hair length by almost half.  Instead, the not yet tested on humans ointment increased his beard length and turned the hair a deep red while also stimulating hair to grow out of every pore on his face.

Reporters caught up with Jason as he left the Legacy Health Center for his first exam and he had this to say.

“ARRAGHHH HUMMM HUMM SHHSHHHH HUMMM SHH HUMMM BEEERGGHHHHHH HHUMMM SHHH!”

What exactly he wanted to get out is not yet known, but we expect to hear from him again as doctors at Legacy have promised a full recovery with a clean bill of health. Portland artists, friends, and family are keeping Jason in their prayers tonight as they  all look forward to a new and more formidable man / curator after the surgery.

Portland Artists are in an UPROAR after a late night photographic unveiling of local artist John Graeter, aka the Man of Many Faces, and his alternate personas.

Several witnesses and Portland city officials were shocked when creative director for the well respected nonprofit organization Portland City Art (.org) was photographed in public with his alleged twin brother Twinky Simmins Graeter, a known fugitive and Anarchist of the Arts. Though John has been suspected for remaining in close contact with Twinky over the last few years no one in the art community has had solid evidence that the two were in cahoots until now.

What does this mean for Portland City Art, and the artists that it represents? The community website and resource arena was established to connect local creatives with arenas and audiences for their work in several venues within the Portland area, and the news that the newly christened figurehead is conspiring with Dirt Wing Extremists to undermine the efforts of his organization, and in fact, disconnect creatives and their audiences, has many reeling in disbelief.

Chris Haberman, former creative director and founder of Portland City Art (.org), was not available for questioning, but his sudden separation from the very organization he started has sparked rumors for weeks. When confronted with photographs and other proof of this deep rooted conspiracy, which may or may not extend all the way to City Hall, Portland City Art (.org) affiliated venues and their owners are beginning to question whether water is, in fact, wet. Artists stood by John, dismissing Chris Haberman’s choice to move on from the nonprofit as a personal one involving dysfunctional eating habits and questionable family distractions. According to local sources Chris was literally eating himself out of house and home, and food stamps, a steady welfare check, and a ring of midget “milk feeders”, was not enough to sustain his lifestyle, and well, it was time for this non-profiteer to focus on making some real money. Some “boo coo bucks”.

Charlie Alan Kraft, a once binding thread in the fabric of the Portland art scene, had this to say: “Man, I think I need a bra. These beers are weighing me down topside.”

John Graeter, a long time supporter of the arts and painter himself, was well known for cracking jokes after a few martinis about his uncanny resemblance to his brother while stroking his beard singing “I’m gonna grow this bitch ass hair, I’m gonna grow it, Boom! Boom! Boom! Curly, curly, cocoa mon.” John’s art touched many people here in Portland as well as….? Well, here in Portland, for sure. The Rose City’s art scene is literally torn in half today with one side mourning their betrayal at the hands of our city’s greatest scribbler (John Graeter likes to scribble), while another half clenches their ass cheeks in rage over the deceit and lies spread through this wonderful community. How that tears them in half, this writer has no idea. It actually sounds like they are on the same page, but that’s Portland for you.

Questions do remain, however, will Graeter continue to pursue art here in Portland? Will Twinky Graeter disappear again leaving us all in fear for our lives? Will John end his charade of lies and hang up his secret identities?  With all the secrets out, his “twin brother” Twinky, his well groomed man of daylight disguise Ships Donavon (who was recently found prowling local middle schools enlisting children for his art in residence programs), the entire cast of characters that can all be traced back to one megalomaniac man in the moon mirror, John Graeter, what will come of the artists that rely on his organization for strategic wall placement? Only time will tell. As more details come in, we here at Portland City Art (.com) are committed to bringing you the latest, the Graetest, and all the news in between. At least until the cease and desist letters from the Mayor’s bloodhounds actually hold up in court, or Chris Haberman finds a hitman in our fair city willing to work for Cheese Puffs to take us down. Until then, fair citizens, rest easy and keep your eye out for creepy bearded guys with glasses made to see right through you. It just might be John Graeter, aka The Real Life Riddler.

The Portland art scene was rudely awakened from a Pabst Blue Ribbon induced slumber early this morning by a shocking development that has insiders scratching their heads in disbelief: Steve Elliott has traded Charlie Alan Kraft to Chris Haberman in exchange for one sincere compliment. The Bad News Bears are no more.

Inspired by the recent Philadelphia Eagles trade of superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins for a draft pick, Elliott felt it was time for a change as well.

“That Eagles trade was like the writing on the wall for me. If they can send a guy who is arguably 100% responsible for their long run of success to a hated, bitter rival, well, why not send Charlie over to Chris? I wouldn’t say he has been a good friend, or even that he will be missed, but he has been a great guy to brainstorm with, bounce ideas off of…

“Nah, really we just hung around on barstools burning through our unemployment checks together. He’s played a huge part in the non-success of Portland City Art (.com), and it won’t be the same without him, for sure. No matter how bad you fuck things up, you can’t help but feel good about yourself when he’s around. Still, though, as the Eagles demonstrated, sometimes you just have to shake things up and start over. I think he will do more harm than good for Haberman, in the long run, and by the end of the year I think you will see that it was a pretty smart fuckin’ move. Who else can say they’ve received a sincere compliment from Habe?”

Charlie Alan Kraft, a founding member of Portland City Art (.com), issued the following statement:

“You know, Steve is a smart guy and everything, and he bought me a lot of beers in the past few years, but I gotta admit, I’m looking forward to getting out of this whole false negativity thing, and getting back to Haberman’s brand of false positivity. I mean, it’s all bullshit right? Might as well make it sound good. Not to mention, there is always plenty of food to go around with Chris. The only time Steve ever fed me, I was sick with food poisoning for a week.”

Chris Haberman, founder of Portland City Art (.org), was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, but a key insider from Team Haberman (who asked to remain anonymous) filled us in on the biggest mystery of all: What was the compliment that Elliott received in exchange for Kraft?

“Chris told Steve straight up that he really liked the way he wore slacks. There was direct eye contact, it was for real.”

So how will this trade shape the Portland art scene in the coming months? Will Haberman and Kraft be able to put the last few years of venomous animosity behind them and break bean burritos together? Will Elliott be able to find a new conspirator crazy enough to help him realize his plans of working without doing any work, and/or pissing everyone off? Only time will tell, but for now, keep your browser tuned to Portland City Art (.com) for all the latest, greatest, and most heinous happenings in the world of Portland art.

Hippie Jesus sells his cruelty-free hemp Mandalas every last Thursday on Alberta street.

     As a vegan, I have entered into a covenant with the animals of this planet. They know instinctively when they meet me that I am a friend. The Hippie Jesus has refrained from eating all animal related products for the past six incarnations of his life and that kind of commitment to the animals does not go unnoticed. It is as if they smell the peacefulness on me and even a mosquito will refrain from sipping my sweet, pure blood because he instinctively realized that I am on his side. Most vegans now realize that maintaining their animal purity means refraining from eating all animal products, or feeding others animal products, but some vegans, sadly, have overlooked one key area.

     There are some of my brethren out there who believe that feeding babies breast milk is a normal, healthy thing to do. The Hippie Jesus would like to know how feeding a baby you’re own milky waste by-products is normal? Sure your body naturally makes milk when you’re pregnant, but guess what? It makes spit too and would you spit in your babies mouth? No, you would not.

     As we can all agree that animals should not be enslaved by humans for meat or milk or even honey, why is that we allow perfectly healthy, beautiful vegan mothers to pollute their babies with this milky body waste as though they were sad, enslaved dairy cattle?

     You know, I once did a tree sit with a lovely girl named Marigold who had recently given birth to her son whom she named Cas-Cannibis. Now the little tyke was cute, and it was fun to hold him over the side of the tree and let him defecate on loggers, but when it came to feeding time the whole sorry mess made me sick to my stomach. The poor mother would have to stop what she was doing at all hours of the day and night, just to pop her lovely breast in the screaming babies mouth. This woman was like a dairy cow chained up to a milking machine and the food she was feeding her son obviously produced a whole litany of unnatural side effects like drowsiness, flatulence, diarrhea and vomiting.

     Marigold and I parted ways not long after little Cas-Cannibas was born simply because I couldn’t bear to watch them both suffer under the misguided notion that breastfeeding is a natural – even necessary act. There are so many other natural things to feed babies. Plant-based baby foods like soy formula, hemp formula, almond-rice-soy formula and raw veggie juice, for instance. There was no need for this lovely vegan woman to defile her pristine breasts with the filthy mouth of her offspring. I suspect that the baby posting on this page has emotional problems due to his diet and that is why I’m letting him get away with his thoughtless, uninformed babblings. The Hippie Jesus will take a pass when it comes to picking on babies, but he will not take a pass on breast feeders.

     If you are a breastfeeding mother, you are NOT a true vegan, nor are you a feminist. You are impure and on the path to destruction. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself back to sucking on the teat of the dairy industry. Heed my warning, so-called vegan mothers. You need only look into the eye of a dairy cow slave to truly know what side you are on.

Our very own intellectual Mastermind of the Universe, Art Jeanyus, reveals art's biggest ideas to help you become a famous artist.

Hard to believe I am still here feeding you cool cats the “real deal” on such a regular basis–that means I do it a lot. Times are hard out on the streets of Portland, especially as an artist. I mean, I get it, gang. We can’t all master the bio-rhythms of eight dimensions while shaving with our minds. I had to rough it once, I did half an hour in a Clackamas jail and was forced to mow the lawn. Let’s just say that my practical jokester buddy Tan Peluski thought it would be super funny to spike my inhaler with ether. I had a cold at the time, so I didn’t detect the… I couldn’t smell the shit and it fucked me up for a little while, dudes. I feel your pain.

It would be easy to despair (oops!) feel like shit about thing the way that they are, but fear no more, because your distant evolutionary cousin, Art Jeanyus, has his hands on the key that unlocks the door to one of the most magic, mysterious, fantastic, well guarded, whispered about in important bathrooms, conglomerate, hypothetical… lol, sorry guys, sometimes I can’t help myself and I just start using big words that mean different things just to see the reactions on your faces. Telepathic, remember? Yeah, I saw what you were doing a minute ago.

AWESOME BUSINESS IDEAS

I have compiled a list of the top 5 business ideas for the Portland artist to have on the side. Special consideration (oops!) favoritism (shit!) I mean thought extra hard to find ones that were a) under the table; b) legal; c) very easy to get going; don’t worry, I got it.

1. Toilet
   That’s right, you can be a toilet. A port-a-potty. Many people would pay good money to shower you in shit and piss onto you. Requires absolutely no thought, talent, or capitol (oops!) I mean starting money. The only drawback to this one is the smell, but they make nose-plugs, or you could just keep some Jolly Ranchers in your pocket for emergencies.
2. Fast Food, Slow Delivery
   You like to get drunk and wander around aimlessly as it is, so you might as well make some money while you’re doing it. If you walk around the Lloyd Center area, for example, you have proximity (damn!) you’re close to a whole bunch of places. Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, no, wait.. KFC isn’t there any more. My point is, all you need is a cell phone and a sharpie marker. Write down your number on the wall of the restaurants and have it say “call for delivery”. Just wander as usual, but write down orders with that sharpie (you’ll need paper too), pick up money from people when you happen to be nearby and drop off their food when you get a chance. Add in a $5 delivery fee too, because this is important, anyone desperate enough to have fast food delivered is in no way shape or form going to argue over the details. Don’t limit yourself to just fast food, either, once you get the hang of it, you can pick up and deliver all kinds of things for people! You wander around aimlessly anyways, so you might as well carry things for people while you’re at it.
3. Handjobs
   Everywhere you look, there is a man desperate enough to pay you $20 for a handjob. Since you’re an artist, you’re good with your hands, so it will be a natural enough feeling. Even if you’re bad at it, this should add up to at least $40 an hour. Just pretend it’s a paintbrush and your mouth is an eager blank canvas. Remember, when the cops ask, he paid you back for a bar tab, and you were just thanking him properly.

I know I said it would be 5 jobs, but you know what? Those three are plenty for now. I don’t want to give you too much to take in all at once. If these don’t work out for you, never fear, for I will soon be sharing with you the secret of turning air into money. No kidding, man.

Art Jeanyus

Salvia Darling is a 70's news anchor turned heart-throb turned investigative reporter turned... Well, let's just say that now his job is to bring you the late breaking stories in the world of art.

Good evening, Portland! Salvia Darling here, coming to you live from the side of the Willamette River. I would tell you which side, but as heartache starts to become a widespread epidemic amongst my young, female anchor-groupies, I have set my cloaking device to engage.

CITY OF PORTLAND
LATE BREAKING NEWS

Portland's Mayor at a Jenny Craig seminar.

This just in! the Mayor could stand to lose some weight! The Mayor was spotted recently at a Jenny Craig seminar, and was thought to be there to rally support in the overweight female community, [censored by Salvia] Adams-haters. Just before this photo was taken, he asked the Ladies of Craig if his pants made him look fat, to which they unanimously laughed and [censored by Salvia]. I know it looks like those are his hands on his hips, but if you look close you can tell it’s actually flabby hip-meat protruding upwards. If you look really close you can see the fishing wire. Looks like somebody’s been using the elevator!

This just in! Portland Police carry guns! On Monday, March 22nd, Portland police shot an unidentified white man (sic) to death. (for those of you that need further explanation of such a fantastic event, he was homeless) Apparently, the man was [censored by Salvia] and [censored by Salvia] people at Washington Park, and when officers arrived he approached them with a razor blade, cutting his own [censored by Salvia]. The tragic thing is, a homeless guy finally gets his hands on a shaving device, and the cops shoot him for it. This is an example of Portland’s impenetrable class system at work, hey homeless guys, the powers that be in this fair city would like you to stay in your [censored by Salvia] and keep washing those windshields. Put down your razor blades, and your bars of soap. You will always be second class citizens in the Rose City. Get used to it, or get shot several times.

This just in! Caligula was an interesting person! This just in! Corey Haim was also an interesting person! Inside joke, but who isn’t interesting in this day and age? We all have camera crews following us around, we all have hair and makeup people taking care of our appearance. We have press secretaries, personal assistants, bodyguards, producers ringing the phone off the hook day and night… Underage groupies ready to bang. No wait, that’s just me.

This just in! Salvia Darling has five teenage chicks to bang tonight and only two rubbers! You do the math, people. Do I keep using the first one until it breaks, and then go with the backup, or do I bareback the three that seem the most clean, and hope for a timely pullout? Think of it like a story problem, what’s the answer to Salvia’s riddle Portland?