Tan Peluski digs deep into the underbelly of Portland's Art Scene to bring you the latest dirt as often as his doctor allows.

Dear Tan,

You may know me because I am one of your biggest fans and I am always writing you letters. Not sure why you have never responded or put one of my letters in a column but that’s o.k. I still think you’re the man. Well it’s me Josh again from Ohio and I have another problem I was hoping I could get your advice on. See there is this girl in my math class that is totally hot and I wanna ask her out but I don’t know what to say. What should I do Tan?

Your biggest fan Tan the Man!!!!

Josh

Oh seriously!

Josh, I’ve gotten many of your letters but none have struck my sagging nut sack with such importance as this one. Sure I could have given you tons of advice on puberty, zits, Conan the Barbarian and the Partridge Family but girls is my specialty young man and even in a whiskey bent coma I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shape your little mind into a chick getting sex fiend like myself. Ohhhhhh Seriously all inappropriate but onto the real work my little bald friend.

First: Make sure that before class you lock yourself in the teachers bathroom with the latest 17 magazine and spank that monkey tell it chokes!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Having clean pipes increasing your understanding of the opposite sex…. Lube up! Rub down! Seriously now!

Second: If after a good game of pocket pool over pictures of Mandy Moore has not changed your attraction for this young lass into total disgust then prep your wind pipes and cleanse that breath with Tan’s own personal Breath freshener cocktail mix. Seriously now read this part over and over again or type it on your Ipod touch for proper mixing. Take one cup of Vodka ( the cheap kind ), one cup of malt liquor ( Colt 45 does it every time ), and one table spoon of orange juice. Pour into a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup and mix with two shots of espresso for 20 seconds. Quick now down that smooth shit and oh seriously you’re wasted!!!!! You also totally smell like booze!!!!

Third: Trust the Tan man chicks will dig step two…. Now you’re ready for the personal engagement of conversation. Walk up to that chick and seriously…. Oh really now grab your balls and sing ” Swing Low Sweet Balls of Mine.”

Josh, I hope my advice has helped you realize your own potential at pleasing the opposite sex. Seriously I know if you follow these simple steps no girl in any Ohio Junior Highschool will make it to college a virgin, oh really did I say that? Go out there and Tan some preteen hides Josh Seriously now!!

Sincerely,

Tan

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This isn't actually Duane Snider, but the guy in the photo is just as old, creepy, and well-dressed. The main difference is Duane wears nicer glasses and this guy has more hair.

Hello one and all, [ robot: not again... ]

Recently I launched a new blog [ robot: turn... ] that you can find by going to my website [ robot: me... ] at *!! CENSORED LINK !!* and clicking on the link posted on my home page. [ robot: off! ] I hope you all take the time to check out what I will have to offer on what I hope will be a regular basis. [ robot: pull the plug! ]

The Snider

i’ve been thinking that there should be reviews somewhere (the internet seems like a decent place) that just spell out explicitly which shows totally suck. you know, so you don’t have to go to them. maybe some kind of chart – either “this show sucks” or possibly a brief review if the show is worth seeing. if you’re planning to have reviews on here, i’d be interested in writing, but if not i think the chart would be a useful resource, and i’d be happy to cast votes. or make the whole thing – it wouldn’t take very much work. [robot: great ideas, Sam. while you're at it, why don't you make a chart that tells us which Portland curator is the most fun to suck?]

you know, for the community. [robot: are you sure you live in Portland? the community loathes honesty!]

let me know if you’re at all interested. i like what’s up there so far -
especially the robot. i really think art needs an authoritarian robot to
do some regulating. [robot: forget what I said before, you're hired!]

- sam beck

http://toylife.terencehealy.com

http://titcrucifixion.terencehealy.com

[robot: blue collar collectors don't look for art, they buy what Duane Snider tells them to buy because without him they would not exist. my highly advanced artificial intelligence tells me that you should stop worrying about selling your art and get back to what makes you interesting: pissing people off!]

This isn't actually Duane Snider, but the guy in the photo is just as old, creepy, and well-dressed. The only real difference is Duane wears nicer glasses and this guy has way more hair.

Hello friends and art lovers. [robot: you don't have any friends]

Be sure to mark you calendars for May 14 at 8:00 PM for the Oregon Art Beat special on collecting and collectors.  I will be featured in this break through program as one of the ble collar collectors that the show will focus on.  This is truly a watermark event in terms of giving credit to people of modest means who have found the passion, disipline and resources for collection great works of art on a budget.  If you can’t watch the show on May 14th, the program will be replayed on May 17th at 6:00PM. [robot: this is making me want to go choke on something sharp]

The project has generated considerable buzz in the local arts community as this is probably the most high profile coverage of working class collectors the region has ever seen.  The show acknowledges the importance of support for the arts from all sectors of the local population. [robot: my asshole is starting to shrivel up]

This was an idea I pitched to KC Cowan over five years ago.  Her initial reaction was luke warm at best, but two years ago she realize the merit of the concept and started planning for the production of this show.  I feel very honored to have been included in planning for the show.  I take great pride in being at least partly responsible for championing the idea that art is for everyone, especially in the Portland Art Market.  I have said for years that this is the best place in the country to buy art, and this OBT special validates the extraordinary opportunity our regional art market offers the broadest possible audience. [robot: I bet you will say it again]

Duane Snider [robot: no I do not want to come over to your house]