Join Merle the Magnificent as he poofs his way through the hearts of whiny Portland artists. With magic!

Poof! Oh hey, hope I didn’t just scare you appearing out of a sudden cloud of smoke like I just did. I’d say it won’t happen again, but that would be a lie. Here, watch… I won’t surprise you again. Poof! Now I’m gone! Poof! Now I’m back! See, I can’t help myself. Forget that, though, I came to do a magic trick. Who’s ready???

Life is going good… Poof! Not any more! Your job…. Poof! GONE! Your savings account…. Poof! ZERO! Borrowing money from your family to file bankruptcy… .Poof! Not this time! Your wife….. Poof! Sleeping with your OLD BOSS! Your self respect…. Poof! ____ in 60 Seconds! Your ability to sleep at night… Poof! Gone! Friends buying you drinks… Poof! Support your own habit, you bum! Bus fare to get home… Poof! Spent it  all on beef jerky! Too tired to walk…. Poof! Free ride to the drunk tank! Wake up the next morning… Poof! Begging for change downtown! Looking for someone to blame… Gathering with a large group of others that have been similarly victimized…. Feeling not alone for the first time in months… Finally going to do something… Not gonna leave until the system changes… All for one and one for all… After the first day of protesting, you wake up on a blanket someone let you use and…. POOF! POOF! PU-PU-PU-POOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFF!!!!! EVERYONE IS GONE! They all went home to play tennis on their televisions, to watch Dexter, and to upload photos of themselves protesting onto Facebook! The cause? Poof! GONE!

GREAT JOB PORTLAND!!!!!!

Hippie Jesus has been a raw, macrobiotic vegan since before he was born.

In the world of animal rights, no organization has done more for the plight of non-human animals than C.O.C.K. (Compassion Over Cruelty and Killing). As the world’s most perfect and pure vegan, I only support non-profit organizations whose message is for animal rights not animal welfare. If you don’t know the difference, then you’re probably the type of asshole who puts bacon on a veggie burger. The good people at C.O.C.K. know the difference. They know that farm animals are just hairy people who can’t talk or open a door. They know that in the peaceful world of nature an animal should never be food for another animal. It’s about rights people! Rights for all living, breathing creatures that don’t make their own food through photosynthesis. I mean, fuck, it’s not that hard to understand!

So when I heard that my old friend John Graeter is opening a new gallery this First Thursday, I knew this was the perfect opportunity to merge my dual loves of animal rights and Portland art. I will have my 100% vegan mandalas for sale tomorrow at Graeter Art Gallery (G.A.G.) and all of my profits from Thursday’s sales will go to C.O.C.K.’s campaign to end the senseless cruelty of chicken choking. I mean, even disgusting dairy eating vegetarians and the brutal Nazi’s who call themselves “omnivores” can all agree that choking chickens is sick and wrong.

So please come down to G.A.G. and buy one of my vegan mandalas in support of C.O.C.K’s efforts to end chicken choking for good. Thanks to John Graeter and his C.O.C.K. support, we may soon see the end of chicken choking.

G.A.G. Opening
October 6, 2011 from 5pm – 10pm
131 NW 2nd Ave,
Portland, OR, 97209

Salvia Darling is a 70's news anchor turned heart-throb turned investigative reporter turned... Well, let's just say that now his job is to bring you the late breaking stories in the world of art.

Legendary Portland artist Jesse Reno joins Salvia Darling to discuss the tragic events that led to third degree burns and thousands of dollars of property damage, as well as his feelings on fire, rocks, and aluminum cans. Reno’s artwork will be on display at The Goodfoot throughout the month of July 2011.

The new sheriff in town: Howard Crosby and fellow volunteers from the vigilante group Portland Citizens for a Cleaner Craigslist keeping a watchful eye on the website to keep it free of offensive material.

In 1995, Craig Newmark founded the classified website Craigslist with the best of intentions: to provide a safe haven for good natured Christians to exchange goods and services, arrange to meet on wholesome dates, and to announce family friendly community events. Like all righteous internet endeavors, however, it was overrun by the forces of Satan before you could say “Christ on the Cross”. As Newmark himself puts it, “One thing we found doing customer service is that there are not that many bad guys out there, that the people with good will far outnumber the bad guys. However, the bad guys make a lot more noise.”

Fundametalist Christian bad-boy Robert Brian Henry, armed with his Two Fists of Faith, brings to light the evils and immoralities that have taken over the Portland Art Scene.

In most cities featured on Craigslist, the good guys have all but given up. That is not the case in Portland, however, where a volunteer watchdog group called Portland Citizens for a Cleaner Craigslist (PCCC) burst onto the scene bringing order and respectability to a website where even I with my Two Fists of Faith once feared to tread.

Formed in early March of this year by local artist Tanner Dobson, the PCCC has found a brilliantly simple way to use Craigslist’s built-in flagging feature to eradicate any and all filth immediately. “People in Portland aren’t going to stand around getting fucked in the mouth by indecency towards anyone or anything, and Craigslist is no exception. Free speech is one thing, but my grandmother, bless her heart, busted her ass for eighty fucking years, raised over three hundred kids into model, upstanding Christians, and I’ll sit naked on Satan’s fat red cock before I’ll let anyone bombard her computer screen with blasphemous ass, mean-spirited, liberal, communist, hate-mongering, ironic bullshit on Craigslist which she visits every day to sell her macaroni mosaics.”

Acting on a hunch, Dobson discovered that if a post got a certain number of “flags” from different people, it would be taken down from the  website immediately. Once he had the magic number, he took a trip down to his dear nana’s nursing home and recruited a small army of volunteers. “My volunteers were people just sitting around waiting to die, despite the fact that their facility is equipped with an activity room. When I had my grandmother read to them excerpts from some of the posts she had come across, dude, they were fucking pissed!”

For volunteer Howard Crosby, the PCCC has given him new meaning in life. “In my day, you’d get the belt for acting all filthy like these young people and their computers. I lost all hope once my grandson was taken by the homosexuals because of the internet, but thanks to Tanner Dobson I now have a way to fight back. I might not be able to give these kids the whupping they deserve, but I can sure as shit keep them from spreading their filth!”

Dobson elaborates, “You see, what happens is these cock-sucking degenerates get on a computer at the library or some trendy coffee shop so you can’t track them, and because of this anonymity they feel comfortable enough to put up bunch of hateful, ugly, rotten garbage unfit for decent folks to see or read. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit they were getting away with before I started PCCC. Once I knew exactly how many times a post could get flagged before coming down, though, that was all she wrote. They are free to put up whatever they want, whenever they want, and in the same vein,  all thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ, we are free to take it down whenever we want. BAM! BAM! Down just like that.”

During my visit to the retirement facility which serves as the group’s temporary headquarters, I was able to witness several flaggings firsthand. In one instance, some smirking heathen tried to advertise her demonic face painting service, and had the audacity to target it at children! Like clockwork, the team sprang into action and took turns flagging the post until it was gone. Someone else tried several times to post results of their highly offensive drawing contest, but each time it was shot down in less time than it takes me to crack the knuckles on my Two Fists of Fury.

“These old people might not know a computer keyboard from Stephen Baldwin, but if you move the mouse for them and show them how and when to press the button, they get the hang of it pretty quick.” Dobson has every right to be proud of his group. Since they started monitoring up the classifieds, the life expectancy of an offensive post on Portland’s Craigslist has fallen to an average of 32 seconds. “I won’t be satisfied until that number is reduced to zero, to tell you the truth, but 30 seconds is pretty fucking good.” Is it safe enough for children? “You fucking bet, man.”

Next time you find yourself looking to Craigslist for an artist to decorate the kid’s play room, a flower arranger, pottery lessons, or even a tasteful live model, remember to take a moment out of your search to thank Tanner Dobson, his hard working, tireless band of upstanding seniors, and the loving spirit of Portland for keeping things free of bigotry, idolatry, hate, profanity, nudity, sarcasm, slander, and sin, and for making the City of Rose’s Craigslist a place that even our dear Lord Baby Jesus could visit with a smile.

Don’t forget to follow on Facebook > Brief Space

Tan Peluski digs deep into the underbelly of Portland's Art Scene to bring you the latest dirt as often as his doctor allows.

Dear Tan,

You may know me because I am one of your biggest fans and I am always writing you letters. Not sure why you have never responded or put one of my letters in a column but that’s o.k. I still think you’re the man. Well it’s me Josh again from Ohio and I have another problem I was hoping I could get your advice on. See there is this girl in my math class that is totally hot and I wanna ask her out but I don’t know what to say. What should I do Tan?

Your biggest fan Tan the Man!!!!

Josh

Oh seriously!

Josh, I’ve gotten many of your letters but none have struck my sagging nut sack with such importance as this one. Sure I could have given you tons of advice on puberty, zits, Conan the Barbarian and the Partridge Family but girls is my specialty young man and even in a whiskey bent coma I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shape your little mind into a chick getting sex fiend like myself. Ohhhhhh Seriously all inappropriate but onto the real work my little bald friend.

First: Make sure that before class you lock yourself in the teachers bathroom with the latest 17 magazine and spank that monkey tell it chokes!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Having clean pipes increasing your understanding of the opposite sex…. Lube up! Rub down! Seriously now!

Second: If after a good game of pocket pool over pictures of Mandy Moore has not changed your attraction for this young lass into total disgust then prep your wind pipes and cleanse that breath with Tan’s own personal Breath freshener cocktail mix. Seriously now read this part over and over again or type it on your Ipod touch for proper mixing. Take one cup of Vodka ( the cheap kind ), one cup of malt liquor ( Colt 45 does it every time ), and one table spoon of orange juice. Pour into a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup and mix with two shots of espresso for 20 seconds. Quick now down that smooth shit and oh seriously you’re wasted!!!!! You also totally smell like booze!!!!

Third: Trust the Tan man chicks will dig step two…. Now you’re ready for the personal engagement of conversation. Walk up to that chick and seriously…. Oh really now grab your balls and sing ” Swing Low Sweet Balls of Mine.”

Josh, I hope my advice has helped you realize your own potential at pleasing the opposite sex. Seriously I know if you follow these simple steps no girl in any Ohio Junior Highschool will make it to college a virgin, oh really did I say that? Go out there and Tan some preteen hides Josh Seriously now!!

Sincerely,

Tan

Hippie Jesus has been a raw, macrobiotic vegan since before he was born.

The other day while I was hanging out in my tree house on Hawthorne, I overheard some teenagers having a disgusting conversation. I believe these teenagers identified with what I’ve heard is called the “emo” subculture as they all had extremely feminine haircuts and tight pants. One teenage boy said to his friend, “If you had to go gay, who would you go gay with?” His friend refused to answer so the first teenager elaborated. “I mean if someone forced you. Like you had to give a dude a hummer to survive.”

Finally, the other boy responded. He said, “Well, if I had to give a dude a hummer, I guess I’d pick a guy who looked like a chick. I dunno maybe Russell Brand?”

While, I, the Hippy Jesus have no idea who this Russell Brand person is, but it got me thinking about men loving each other. Men should be able to openly express their love for one another without fear of condemnation and although the conversation detailed above does slightly offend me, I felt the need to come out with my profound and deep love for the Dalai Lama.
That’s right, you homophobes, I am totally gay for His Holiness. When I look at pictures of the Dalai Lama, all I can see is a man who lives at peace with all living things. If you look closely, I mean with if you look with your heart, you will see the gentle green-gold aura of a man who respects all life. His eyes twinkle with wisdom. His hands are soft and passive.
As someone who has refrained from eating flesh for over six incarnations, I see in him the same reverence and purity. Buddhists, as you probably know, abhor all killing and that makes his holiness a perfect human being in my eyes.
To be honest, I didn’t know very much about the Dalai Lama when I started writing this article. All I really knew was told to me by an ex-girlfriend who attended Naropa University and she spoke of him as though he were some kind of living god. However, just now, I looked up the Dalai Lama on wikipedia and discovered that Tibetan Buddhists are not vegan. Frankly, it was a little shocking. Apparently, although their entire philosophy is based around non-violence, they dodge their moral obligation to animals by accepting any and all food that is donated to them, even flesh!
I was going to delete this article entirely, but then I started thinking about it and I realized that my original premise still holds. As the emo kid said, I had to give a man a hummer, I mean if I was tied up and forced, I guess I would perform fellaio His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. Those hands are really soft.

Click on image to read.

Hippie Jesus sells his cruelty-free hemp Mandalas every last Thursday on Alberta street.

     As a vegan, I have entered into a covenant with the animals of this planet. They know instinctively when they meet me that I am a friend. The Hippie Jesus has refrained from eating all animal related products for the past six incarnations of his life and that kind of commitment to the animals does not go unnoticed. It is as if they smell the peacefulness on me and even a mosquito will refrain from sipping my sweet, pure blood because he instinctively realized that I am on his side. Most vegans now realize that maintaining their animal purity means refraining from eating all animal products, or feeding others animal products, but some vegans, sadly, have overlooked one key area.

     There are some of my brethren out there who believe that feeding babies breast milk is a normal, healthy thing to do. The Hippie Jesus would like to know how feeding a baby you’re own milky waste by-products is normal? Sure your body naturally makes milk when you’re pregnant, but guess what? It makes spit too and would you spit in your babies mouth? No, you would not.

     As we can all agree that animals should not be enslaved by humans for meat or milk or even honey, why is that we allow perfectly healthy, beautiful vegan mothers to pollute their babies with this milky body waste as though they were sad, enslaved dairy cattle?

     You know, I once did a tree sit with a lovely girl named Marigold who had recently given birth to her son whom she named Cas-Cannibis. Now the little tyke was cute, and it was fun to hold him over the side of the tree and let him defecate on loggers, but when it came to feeding time the whole sorry mess made me sick to my stomach. The poor mother would have to stop what she was doing at all hours of the day and night, just to pop her lovely breast in the screaming babies mouth. This woman was like a dairy cow chained up to a milking machine and the food she was feeding her son obviously produced a whole litany of unnatural side effects like drowsiness, flatulence, diarrhea and vomiting.

     Marigold and I parted ways not long after little Cas-Cannibas was born simply because I couldn’t bear to watch them both suffer under the misguided notion that breastfeeding is a natural – even necessary act. There are so many other natural things to feed babies. Plant-based baby foods like soy formula, hemp formula, almond-rice-soy formula and raw veggie juice, for instance. There was no need for this lovely vegan woman to defile her pristine breasts with the filthy mouth of her offspring. I suspect that the baby posting on this page has emotional problems due to his diet and that is why I’m letting him get away with his thoughtless, uninformed babblings. The Hippie Jesus will take a pass when it comes to picking on babies, but he will not take a pass on breast feeders.

     If you are a breastfeeding mother, you are NOT a true vegan, nor are you a feminist. You are impure and on the path to destruction. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself back to sucking on the teat of the dairy industry. Heed my warning, so-called vegan mothers. You need only look into the eye of a dairy cow slave to truly know what side you are on.